The application for the Africa mission trip was due on Tuesday. It was Friday, and I still had not looked at it. I was driving with both hands on the steering wheel and my heart was beating so fast it felt like I could just reach in and grab it. I knew the deadline was close. I knew I had to make a decision.
When I first saw the Word on the screen at church several Sundays before, God took me back to my teenage self. I remembered a prayer that I prayed as a seventeen year old girl. I don’t know what made me pray this prayer exactly except that back then I wanted nothing more than to be like everyone else. I didn’t want to be different, even though I knew I was, and I tried really, really hard to live both lives – the Jesus life and the world life. So I prayed this prayer in these words:
“God, whatever you do, please don’t make me a missionary. I do not want to go to Africa.”
I never thought any more about it.
Eighteen years later I still want to be like everyone else. I don’t enjoy being different. But my heart falls more in love with Jesus the more time I spend with Him, and about five years ago I began praying another prayer that I have continued to pray up until now.
“God, do whatever you have to do. Break me however you need to. But please use my life for something big to bring You glory.”
So the Friday before the application was due I sat in my car and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
I did not want to go to Africa.
What would I eat? Where would I sleep? What if I get hurt? What if I die?
Then the real question slowly poked up through all of the surface words.
What if I’m changed? What if I come back different?
Putting the superficial fears aside, it came down to this. I am afraid of being changed. I am afraid of being different. And I know that there is no way of escaping it. I cannot go to a country and see God’s world, His people, people He loves, through His eyes, and not be changed. I still want to be like everyone else.
Later that day I went home, sat down, and began writing my application. The words came up out of me and my heart poured onto the pages. This is what came out:
“I do not know how I can help people who are in need of so much. But I do know that I ask God continually to fully sanctify me so that I can serve Him wholly and completely. I want to see the world and people the way He sees them. I want perspective like His. I ask for this so that I can fully love people in my every day life like He has called me to love them, so I can serve people like He wants me to serve them, and so that I can continue to have an eternal focus.”
God is sending me to Africa to answer my prayer.
Has God ever allowed something to happen in your live that you didn’t expect in order to answer a deep, heart prayer?
Leave a Reply